Our Foundational Tools of Sacrifice
The Commitment Crusher™ Alarm Clock
$179
- Military-grade 120 dB siren
- Pre-programmed with 47 motivational soundbites from D1 coaches you’ve never met
- Auto-texts your ex at 4:47 a.m. if you hit snooze (“We’re all making sacrifices, Chad.”)
EliteFuel™ Electrolyte IV Drip (Home Kit)
$449
- 1 Liter pharmaceutical-grade saline + 3 drops of blue food coloring
- Includes child-size tourniquet with embroidered team logo
- “Hydrate like a scholarship contender.”
- FDA status: “Decorative use only”
Elite Circuit Parent Starter Pack
$1,299
- Pop-up canopy with built-in LED scoreboard
- 12-pack of laminated “DO NOT DISTURB — RECRUIT IN PROGRESS” door hangers
- Noise-canceling headphones pre-loaded with 200 hours of other parents bragging
- One (1) complimentary therapy session voucher (expires in 90 days)
The Showcase Scheduler™ AI
$79/mo
- Algorithm predicts which highly selective, remote-location tournament will feature the exact scout your athlete needs
- 97% accuracy*
- *Accuracy measured by how many hotels we can book-block
LegacyShield™ College Commitment Insurance
$4,999 one-time
- Pays you $50,000 cash if your child de-commits after you’ve already bought the yard sign
- Underwritten by “Totally Real Insurance Ltd.” (Cayman Islands)